Sunday, June 14, 2009

First Love

Discussion on a loop dredged up the memory of my first love. Nope, that isn't him, that's Casper Van Dien - actor - pretty to look at. No, I don't know if I have any photos of my first love. I know I used to. I just don't know if they survived my ex. No, my ex wasn't my first love. I'm not even sure I loved him.

No, I met him while I was in Colorado, during training in Denver, a year or so before they shut the base down. We met in the snow at one in the morning, because some idiot pulled the fire alarm. I was amazingly dressed in combat boots, pj's, and a drab green wool blanket - military issued. It was bloody cold. We started talking. A few days later I met him again. He'd been there longer than I had been. We talked, hung out, when we could leave the base, we dated off base.

He was a great guy, had a beautiful singing voice. He didn't have that bad-boy look to him, he's actually the type that would have surprised you. The bad guy would think he was a wimp, because he wasn't big and bulky. He was a martial artist. There were times we sit, not saying a lot, and he'd sing. I loved to hear him sing. While we were dating he found he was a dad, we weathered it, and tried to find out how she was doing. What we couldn't weather was our friends saying that he had cheated on me with one of them. He never denied, so I believed him. He left, and I refused to talk to him. Years later I found him again, we talked a lot and found out it was a huge lie. Out of jealousy, I guess. By that time we were both married. Time passes, bases change, and we dropped out of contact. I found him again once, he was divorced and in school and I was dealing with a sick child and trying to get out of an abusive situation. I lost contact with him again. I'd given my friends some of things I'd kept of his to hold onto for me, because of my ex and I only heard from them once after they left. I couldn't take the stuff back because I wasn't free yet.

I didn't tell him, couldn't, wouldn't is more like it I suppose tell him, it was memories of us together that had helped me through my marriage. And its some of the same qualities I saw in him, that I look for in guys now. And that is a lot for a guy to bear.

I miss him still. I knew where his parents lived at one point, though I'd never met them. I hope he's found someone who makes him profoundly happy.

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